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The Laws of University

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The Laws of University Empty The Laws of University

Post by Siobhan Griffin on Sun Oct 12, 2008 10:55 pm

By popular request (well Corny asked me to and he's popular Razz), here are my first seven Laws of University:

1) No matter what your lecturers plan on, all your major assessments will come within a two-week period.

2) Your text books will always cost more money than you expect, and have an inverse value to your education based on price.

3) On the first day of semester, you have to park on the far side of campus unless you're ridiculously early. In the last few weeks you can park where you like.

4) If you take public transport in, you will invariably have a day where it takes you 2+ hours each way to get to a single one-hour class.

5) If you drive in, you will find you're driving in peak hour to and from class, usually with a large gap in the middle of your day just after the cafeteria closes.

6) The one day you're tired and skip class for sleep, your tutor will spring a surprise quiz worth 15% of your unit mark.

7) Group assignments are generally made up of one person who never actually attends class, one person who is only doing the unit as an elective and has no idea what they're doing, one person who is charming and flirtatious and volunteers for everything but 'just happens' to 'forget' his part of the report on the due date and one person who winds up doing all the work. You are the fourth person.

Anyone have any more to add in? I think Corny had one...?

NB: Ooops, accidentally put this in Brainzone, should be in Random - could an admin please shift it? Thanks.
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The Laws of University Empty Re: The Laws of University

Post by corny-ratbag on Sun Oct 12, 2008 10:59 pm

8 ~ people will always spend more time trying to get you to do their assignment then it would actually take them to do it themselves

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The Laws of University Empty Re: The Laws of University

Post by Tecchi on Sun Oct 12, 2008 11:08 pm

Most of these are definately not exclusive to University lol.

9. People who say they havent studied at all for an exam, have most probably studied the most out of everyone, and vice versa

10. People who constantly comment on how bad their assignment is, usually are the 1s who get top marks

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The Laws of University Empty Re: The Laws of University

Post by General Mithrandir on Mon Dec 15, 2008 5:19 am

This reminds me a bit of that article "Things UCAS Never Told You About Coming To University"
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The Laws of University Empty Re: The Laws of University

Post by Glorious Failure on Mon Dec 15, 2008 5:24 am

The 10 Commandments of University Students

I- Thou Shalt Nap
God gave unto Student a great gift, the gift of napping. God said to
him, you shall spend half your day napping. You shall nap in class, in
your room and in your friend's room. And God said, if you don't nap,
you will not be able to stay up all night drinking. And Student said,
nap I shall, and it was good.

II- Thou Shalt Get Sick All the Time
God said to Student, you must be sick all of the time. And Student
asked why. And God said unto him, you shall share drinks, stay up too
late, drink too much and get off with people you don't know. Therefore,
God said, you shall be sick all year round. But God said, blessed are
the sick for they have partied the hardest. And it was good.

III- Thou Shalt Not Attend Lectures
Student asked, will this sickness affect my studies? And God said unto
him, yes, but thou shalt skip classes for lesser reasons. You will skip
classes because it is raining and you cannot find your umbrella. You
will skip classes because you are too lazy to walk across campus. You
shall sleep through your morning lectures and nap through the
afternoons. Blessed are those that succeed, and those who do not shall
resit the year or switch to Sociology. And Student understood Godís
wisdom, and it was good.

IV- Thou Shalt Wear a Hoodie
then Student asked how he should make himself look like a university
student. And God said unto student, you must wear a hoodie, for it is a
useful garment. And you shall never wash it either. Student asked God,
what kind of hoodie should it be? And God said, you shall own many of
varying colours and creeds. And Student was pleased and God was

V- Thou Shalt Abuse the Library
And God gave unto
Student another gift, in the form of the Library. And He said, fear
not, Student, it will not be demanded of you that you use this gift to
catch up on missed lectures. You may visit with this intention, but
your time will be spent surfing the Internet. You shall speak with your
numerous fellow Students, and smoke. And God said, if you do not honour
this gift, and if you use the Library to further your studies, I shall
smite you. And the Student saw that God was right, and it was good.

VI- Thou Shalt Respect the Cheeky One
Student then asked of God, surely I must study sometimes, or I cannot
be a true Student? And God in His wisdom replied, yes, it is true that
Student must study. And Student did not like this, and began to weep,
and God said unto him, Student, fear not the occasional class, for
study you must. But to ease the pain, you shall honour the tradition of
the Cheeky One, which will make the study more bearable, and help you
to spend your student loan. God said, alcohol is another gift to you:
it makes anything good better and anything bad more tolerable. And
after your Cheeky One, you shall return to your home, and nap. And
Student dried his eyes and thanked God for his generosity, and it was

VII- Thou Shalt Get Laid
Student then asked of sex.
And God said, Student, you shall get laid and be happy. You shall go
home with random people every weekend and forget about them the next
day. You shall see them at class and be awkward amongst their company.
You shall exchange saliva at bars and parties and it will be good. And
Student became gleeful and God told Student to wrap it up because He
knows where she has been, but Student does not.

VIII- Thou Shalt Join a Club and Never Go to Meetings
inquired of his spare time and God reminded him that he should be
napping. But Student said he wanted to do other things. So God said
unto him, you shall join a club at the beginning of the semester, but
then never go to meetings. And Student asked why he should not go to
meetings, and God told him, because they are gay. And Student
understood His wisdom.

IX- Thou Shalt Wake Up Confused
said to Student, there will come many a day when you shall wake up in
the bed of another and not know where you are. You will not remember
what you did last night and you shall be confused. You will see that
you have nipple rings and a tattoo now and are covered in Marmite. You
will find yourself surrounded by items that do not belong to you, and
of which you do not know the provenance, such as road signs, bicycle
tyres, and garden furniture. And Student was disturbed by this, but God
said, you shall tell great stories about it to your friends one day,
and it is not stealing if you were drunk when you did it. And Student
understood and God took a sip of beer.

And God gave Student the final Commandment :

X- Thou Shalt Gain Weight
Student wished to hear the final commandment and God said he would not
like it. But Student insisted, so God said unto him, you shall gain
weight. However, God said, you will not buy new clothes, so you will
wear tracksuits a lot. God said, Student, you will watch a lot of TV
and become fat, which caused Student to weep profusely. But God
comforted Student saying, you will still get laid even if you cannot
tie your shoes any more. Student felt better and God pointed to
Student's chest saying, those will soon be bitch tits. And it was good.

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The Laws of University Empty Re: The Laws of University

Post by Final Destiny on Mon Dec 15, 2008 7:37 am

1) Using the excuse "Sorry I'm late. I was attacked by a pack of wild mountain bears" will get you out of anything.

2) Though Fags allowed may sound like it's a pub where you can smoke. It's not it's a gay bar with a drag queen DJ. Just buy one pint and get out.

3) When in North Wales do not get mixed up with the Irish and Welah language. You will get barred from the local.

4) The Cah and Carry will believe anything. Just say you are a Seminar Tutor in the History Department. Bam cheap toilet paper and booze for life.
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The Laws of University Empty Re: The Laws of University

Post by Kittten on Mon Dec 15, 2008 8:16 am

I've always found that the more blantantly ridiculous the excuse, the more likely it is to end questioning about the issue. Therefore

"It was abducted by aliens" is better than "i put it in the washing machine" and

"the MoD classified it" is better than "there was a family emergancy".

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The Laws of University Empty Re: The Laws of University

Post by Taytaz on Tue Dec 16, 2008 5:08 am

The best excuse I have pulled off successfully is: I mistook it fir Feench homework and am still translating

Looking back, the look I got was somewhat innocuous...

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The Laws of University Empty Re: The Laws of University

Post by Fearless Dingo on Fri Dec 19, 2008 2:05 am

1) If you lack milk for your cornflakes then use diced onion and mango chutney instead. They then taste surprisingly similar to poppadoms plus onions are packed with vitamin C which will help your scurvy.

2) You write better essays when you are drunk, high or at the last minute.

3) Learn to cook. Refectory food is always dire and being able to cook is guaranteed to snap knicker elastic at thirty paces. If you can't be arsed then master a "pulling dish" which you can cook REALLY well even when high.

4) Anything can be blamed on a pet ferret, even if you don't have one.

5) Pretty much any absence can be explained by vaguely referring to "ongoing spleen problems". Nobody knows what the spleen does, it sounds vaguely repulsive and it may be catching.

6) Take the opportunity of going to university to see what you look like with a beard (for men) or weirdly-coloured hair (for women).

7) Don't date the girl who breeds land hermit crabs for her biology thesis. Really, don't.
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The Laws of University Empty Re: The Laws of University

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