Daily JOKES

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Post by Khala on Sat Sep 20, 2008 1:37 pm

thats not even funny and russia and iran will never go to war becuse they have a mpp from 1943
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Post by jerryGFL on Mon Sep 22, 2008 4:12 pm

hm khala no new jokes? that is a shame hope you will be back again soon
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Post by Bremer on Mon Sep 22, 2008 4:52 pm

An English politician was giving a speech in Aberystwyth. He said,

“I was born an Englishman. I have been an Englishman all my life, and I will die an Englishman!”

“What’s wrong boyo?” shouted a voice from the crowd.” Got no ambition, have you?”
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Post by twaters on Mon Sep 22, 2008 4:59 pm

If you imagine Bremer's joke in a thick welsh accent, it's far more amusing.
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Post by Bremer on Mon Sep 22, 2008 5:24 pm

Oh yes!

And this will suit better a UK forum:

Rhys Parry, a taxi driver, was taking an American tourist from Bristol to Cardiff. When they were going over the Severn Bridge, the American told Rhys that he had a longer bridge on his ranch in Colorado. When they arrived in Cardiff, Rhys showed the tourist Cardiff Castle. The American said that his garage in Colorado was twice as big and only took a week to build. When the tourist spotted the Millennium Stadium, he asked Rhys what it was.

“I don’t know, mate, it wasn’t there this morning.”
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Post by Bonnie Prince Charles on Mon Sep 22, 2008 5:48 pm

lol!
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Post by Khala on Mon Sep 22, 2008 9:40 pm

The Scottish bus driver
The Scottish bus driver was giving a tour of Scotland to a group of tourists. The tour went through the countryside and the driver would point out sights of interest.
He drove by this one area and said, "Over there is where the Scottish PULVERIZED the English."
They drove on a little further and the driver pointed to another area along the roadway and said, "This is the place where the Scottish MASSACRED the English."
Not much further down the road the driver told his passengers that on the right was the great battlefield where the Scottish WHIPPED the English.
About that time a man on the bus, with a stiff English accent, said, "My good man, didn't the English win any battles around here?"
"Not when I'm driving the bus" was the response.
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Post by augukas on Tue Sep 23, 2008 7:24 am

Ok, time for me to get more british:
A man from America was on a business trip in the UK and in his spare time he decided to go for a tour. He hired a guide, which was showing him around London. The American decided to gloat about his country:
- You know, everything is nice here, but it's nothing compared to America's greatness... I mean, check out that building - he pointed at a nearby bulding - In America, it would be 3 times bigger.
- Of course, sir - The guide responded calmly - That's a mental hospital.

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Post by Bremer on Tue Sep 23, 2008 8:54 pm

LOL

Very good jokes!
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Post by Bonnie Prince Charles on Wed Sep 24, 2008 7:23 am

great jokes, where do you get these jokes. there brillient rofl
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Post by Khala on Wed Sep 24, 2008 10:55 pm

If I Could Talk To The Animals
A ventriloquist walked up to an Indian and said "I'll bet I can make your horse talk."
Indian: "Horse no talk"
Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Hi horse. How does you master treat you?"
Horse: "Oh, he is good to me. He gives me food, water and he keeps me out of the sun."
Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make you dog talk."
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Dog, how are you? Does your master treat you good?"
Dog: "Oh! He treats me good. He gives me food, water and he plays ball with me."
Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make your sheep talk."
Indian: "Sheep Lie! Sheep Lie!"
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Post by augukas on Thu Sep 25, 2008 10:31 am

Haha, good one, Khala. I get most of my jokes from my head, because I'm like a walking joke machine. And here's another one:

Scientist from hundreds of countrys started a big project - they were trying to make a chimp talk. There were three volunteers for the job: one was French, the other was German and the third one was Russian. The three men each got a chimp , a crate of bananas and enough food for the whole period of the experiment and they spent two weeks in a small room.

After two weeks the scientists checked the progress of the experiment:
German: "I talked to him, I fed him bananas, I told him fairytales, nothing worked."
Frenchman: "I fed him bananas, I talked to him, I told him jokes, nothing worked."
When the scientist entered the third room, they saw the Russian, eating one of the last bananas and the monkey was sitting in the corner.
Scientist: "What are you doing? That's food for the monkey!"
Russian: "I gave spme to him, but he didn't eat any."
Monkey: "He's lying! He didn't give me a single banana!"

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Post by Bonnie Prince Charles on Thu Sep 25, 2008 10:59 am

lol! yourock
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Post by Alex Steiner on Mon Oct 06, 2008 6:14 pm

rofl lol! yourock Very Happy
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Post by Bremer on Mon Oct 06, 2008 6:49 pm

Welsh debater: "I have listened with great care to my opponent's speech this evening and I would like to congratulate him on the impeccable logic of his argument.

Unfortunately the factual premises on which he based his case are quite clearly false.

Now if you combine false premises and faultless logic you must come to a conclusion that is definitely incorrect.

I fully admit that the factual assumptions on which I shall base my argument are just as likely to be wrong as those of my opponent. But I intend to make mistakes in the logic of my argument and so I have at least a random chance of being right.

The probability of my opponent being correct is zero, but I have a small but finite chance of coming to the correct conclusion.

Therefore you must support me on mathematical grounds alone."
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Post by Xavier Vee on Mon Oct 06, 2008 9:20 pm

I enjoy debating. This is a good joke.
However, I believe your opponent is NOT quite cleary false. He is merely muddily false. Therefore his slight truth multiplied by his faultless logic beats your false arguments and mistaken logic.

All in all, very good!
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Post by rastari on Fri Nov 28, 2008 7:29 am

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
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Post by Palodigon on Fri Nov 28, 2008 12:26 pm

Haha, this is amazing Very Happy
keep'm coming
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Post by rastari on Fri Nov 28, 2008 2:59 pm

dave wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
but she belonged to someone else...

One day, dave got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, "I'll give you a £100 if you let me
shag you" - But the girl said NO.

dave said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, You bend down, And I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up"

She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for £200, pick up the
money very fast, He won't even be able to get his
pants down.'

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, And the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, The boyfriend calls her back
and asks what happened.

She responded, 'The b******d used coins!'
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Post by Deathtoll32 on Fri Nov 28, 2008 3:16 pm

lol! That's a good one.
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Post by rastari on Sat Nov 29, 2008 6:14 am

a British man, a French man a young woman and an old woman are sitting in a train, they go under a tunnel and all they can hear is a big smacking sound when they get out of the tunnel the French man has a massive red mark of his face, the old woman thinks that he tried to touch up the young woman and she smacked him, the young woman thinks he tried to touch her up and got the old woman by mistake so the old woman smacked him, the French man thinks that the English man tried to touch up the young woman and she smacked him by mistake, and the English man thinks. I hope there's another tunnel soon.
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Post by rastari on Sat Nov 29, 2008 2:11 pm

You know you've been on-line too long when...

* You start introducing yourself as Jim at aol.com.

* Your wife drapes a wig over the monitor to remind you of what
she looks like.

* You check your mail. It says "no new messages" so you check it
again.

* You name your children chrome, Mozzilla, and Dotcom.

* All of your friends have an @ in their names.

* You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/
bluetrim.html

* You tell the kids they can't use the computer because
"Daddy/Mummy's got work to do".

* You get a tattoo that says "This body best veiwed with Internet
Explorer 7.0."

* You ask the plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair
in front of the computer with a toilet.

* You start tilting your head sideways whenever you smile. :-)

* As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road,
your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
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Post by Alex Steiner on Sat Nov 29, 2008 11:36 pm

3 maybe 4 (mostly because I'm not married, and don't have kids...)
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