Daily JOKES

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Post by Khala on Sat Sep 13, 2008 6:27 pm

I will be updating this with one joke a day Have fun and and hope you like them.


1. The Pentagon decided one day that there were to many

Generals, so they decided to offer early retirement to

three of them. They called Congress and asked them to vote

on a method of determining each General's early retirement

bonus. After voting Congress decided that each man would

choose two points of their body to measure between and then

each man would be paid $10,000 per inch.



They called in the first General. He decide to have

them measure from the top of his head to the bottom of his

feet. Upon measuring it to 6 feet, they paid him $720,000.



The next General, thinking a little bit more, stretched

his arms above his head, and asked them to measure from the

tips of his fingers, to the bottom of his feet. After

measuring 8 feet, they paid him $960,000.



The next General, with a smug look on his face, asked

them to measure from the tip of his mohac to the bottom of

his balls. Congress decided to call in a medical officer.

The medical officer asked the General to drop his pants.

The medical officer lifted the General's mohac to make the

measurement, but instead he exclaimed, "Good God man, where

are your balls!!" With a smile the General said, "I left

them in Vietnam."
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Post by widdows9000 on Sun Sep 14, 2008 3:44 am

ROFL rofl
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Post by Khala on Sun Sep 14, 2008 10:23 am

The Company Commander and the 1st Sgt, were in the field.
As they hit the sack for the night, the 1SG said: "Sir, look up
into the sky and tell me what you see."

The CO said "I see millions of stars."

1st Sgt.: "And what does that tell you, sir?"

CO: Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of
galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells
me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day
tomorrow. What does it tell you, Top?"

1st Sgt.: "Well sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent."
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Post by widdows9000 on Sun Sep 14, 2008 10:25 am

ROFL rofl Keep em coming.
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Post by Deilos on Sun Sep 14, 2008 12:03 pm

Nice. I could just tell that the first one was going to have some sort of sexual innuendo, it wasn't what I expected it to be though.
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Post by Khala on Mon Sep 15, 2008 11:28 am

A successful rancher died and left everything to his
devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch,
but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an
ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the
other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one
else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring
it would be safer to have him around the house than
the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours
every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the
two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very
well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done
a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You
should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on
Saturday night.

He returned around 2:30 am , and upon entering the
room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the
fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked,
ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each
gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned
i t, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands did
as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever
wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"


Now that's funny .... I don't care who you are!!!!
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Post by Deilos on Mon Sep 15, 2008 12:30 pm

Ah, I get it! That's great!
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Post by TheTruePredator on Mon Sep 15, 2008 12:58 pm

I love that I didn't see cross dressing coming at all
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Post by widdows9000 on Mon Sep 15, 2008 2:00 pm

ROFL rofl

You deserve to win the LE based on this lol, seriously where do you get these?

P.S If you challenge Hassan next PE I'll get you in Razz
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Post by Khala on Mon Sep 15, 2008 2:33 pm

lol i have a lot of jokes, i do this in every forum i join Smile some i know and some i get from my friends and some are actually real but no real ones yet.

xD thanks widdows that means a lot but i will not i need more experience at least congress for 5 mandates and some other roles.
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Post by silverwolf31 on Mon Sep 15, 2008 4:05 pm

quality jokes khala, much better than my small selection of whity humour and bad puns. Very Happy
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Post by Khala on Tue Sep 16, 2008 2:09 am

> > The Bar Bet*
> > >> >
> > >> > A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on
> > >> the counter, and
> > >> > sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
> > >> He guesses there must
> > >> > be more than ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches
> > >> the bartender and
> > >> > asks, 'What's with the money in the jar?'
> > >> >
> > >> > 'Well......you pay $10 and if you pass three
> > >> tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.'
> > >> >
> > >> > The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. And
> > >> so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'
> > >> >
> > >> > 'You must pay first....... Those are the rules,' says the bartender.
> > >> >
> > >> > So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the
> > >> bartender the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
> > >> >
> > >> > 'Okay,' the bartender says, 'Here's what you need to do:
> > >> >
> > >> > First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila,
> > >> in a minute or
> > >> > less, and you can't make a face while doing it.
> > >> >
> > >> > Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back
> > >> with a bad tooth. You
> > >> > have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.
> > >> >
> > >> > Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who
> > >> has never had sex....
> > >> > You have to take care of that problem!'
> > >> >
> > >> > The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my $10, but
> > >> I'm not an idiot! I won't do it!
> > >> >You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of
> > >> tequila, and then do all those other things...'
> > >> >
> > >> > 'Your call,' says the bartender..... 'But,
> > >> your money stays where it is.'
> > >> >
> > >> > As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he
> > >> finally says,'Where's the damn tequila?'
> > >> >
> > >> > He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as
> > >> fast as he can.
> > >> > Tears stream down both cheeks... but he doesn't
> > >> make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds!
> > >> >
> > >> > Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the
> > >> pit bull
> > >> > chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear
> > >> growling, biting,
> > >> > and screaming sounds... then nothing but silence!
> > >> >
> > >> > Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he
> > >> staggers back into
> > >> > the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are
> > >> scratches and he's bleeding all over his body.
> > >> >
> > >> > He says, 'Now where's that old woman with the
> > >> bad tooth?'
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Post by TheTruePredator on Tue Sep 16, 2008 2:24 am

Awesome!
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Post by Alex Steiner on Tue Sep 16, 2008 2:28 am

I haven't laughed so hard in ages. I am so going to tell this to my RL friends. There is definitely a moral to this story, but people will be laughing too hard to get it, but so what! It is that good.
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Post by widdows9000 on Tue Sep 16, 2008 9:52 am

ROFL rofl
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Post by Deilos on Tue Sep 16, 2008 12:31 pm

Awesome!
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Post by Khala on Wed Sep 17, 2008 10:06 am

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

+ Tourist: $5
+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+ Fried Explorer: $15.00
+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00


The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for the Politicians?'

The waiter brought the owner over who replied, 'Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of mohac, it takes all morning.
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Post by Khala on Wed Sep 17, 2008 3:39 pm

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are driving through the desert when their car breaks down. So they have to get out.

The Englishman takes a bottle of wine with him, the Scotsman takes an umbrella and the Irishman takes a car door.

On the way they meet this old bastard. He says to the Englishman "I know why you've got the wine so you can have a drink when your thirsty", He says to the Scotsman "I know why you've got the umbrella to keep the sun off you", "but" he says to the Irishman "Why have you got the car door?" and the Irishman replies "If I get hot I can wind the window down!"
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Post by quwell on Thu Sep 18, 2008 4:43 pm

An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.

The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man replies that they''re just fine - they''re just used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn''t eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman says "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks "May I ask what is it you are waiting for?"

The old woman answers... "the teeth."
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Post by Bonnie Prince Charles on Thu Sep 18, 2008 5:12 pm

lol! rofl yourock
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Post by Khala on Thu Sep 18, 2008 5:36 pm

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker get captured by cannibals.
The Chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, then we'll eat you, and then we'll use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman cries "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief hands him a gun, the Englishman points it at his head saying "God save the Queen!", and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over; the stomach, sides, chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing all over the place, it's horrible.
The chief is appalled and asks, "God almighty, what are you doing?"
The New Yorker sneers and says, "So much for your canoe, you stupid F***!"
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Post by Khala on Thu Sep 18, 2008 5:48 pm

a treat for you today another one.

The English Lady
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the Italian front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and had made it to Southampton, England, there to board a train bound for a few days in London.
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only seat unoccupied was directly across from a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog in the opposite seat.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. Can I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also quite arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier leaned against the swaying wall of the train and again asked if he could please sit down.
The lady said, "Not only are you Americans rude and arrogant, you're also very inconsiderate." The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog and tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
An English gentleman, sitting across the aisle said, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!"
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Post by Alex Steiner on Thu Sep 18, 2008 7:07 pm

bow All hail Khala bow
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Post by PrimeMinister on Thu Sep 18, 2008 7:25 pm

HAhaha this had me laughing for ages. .haahhahaaha good one Khala
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Post by augukas on Sat Sep 20, 2008 2:37 am

Here's mine:
There is a war between Russia and Iran. The soldiers of both countries are in their trenches, waiting for a moment to strike. The Russians come up with a plan:
-Ali! - a loud voice comes from the Russian trenches.
-Here! - one of Iran's soldiers stands up and gets shot.
-Muhamad
-Here! - the same situation is repeated.
The Iran soldiers decide that they should use the same tactics:
-Ivan!
Nothing...
-Ivan!
Still nothing...
-Ivan!!!
-Who called Ivan?!
-Here!

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